Dear Future Employer

If you’re considering me for a job and care to do any amount of internet research on me, you’ll probably stumble upon my blog. So I’ve decided to quit posting very gingerly and skip the “pretend I don’t notice you looking at me” game.

If you type in the right combination of buzzwords into Google, it isn’t too difficult to find the only things that will pique your interest when considering me for a position with your organization. I’ve made it easy for you and provided the links below:

Here’s my Facebook page
This is my LinkedIn profile
This one’s a Reader’s Digest featuring yours truly, published in June 2013

…and you’ve already found my blog.

My Facebook page is littered with pictures of my nephews. That lady with the same last name as me who comments on everything is, you guessed it, my mom. My LinkedIn profile could use some work, but it has the important info there. The Reader’s Digest article allows some insight into my values, but not everything.

Those things, however, won’t tell you a whole lot about the good stuff. What you want to know is if I’m competent and will be a good fit for your organization. Of course, it’s also important to consider my character. And no amount of creative writing in a one-page cover letter will do my character any relatively close amount of justice. However, this blog post isn’t really to detail the nuances of my character so much as to elaborate on why a blog post is necessary to explain the circumstances by which I’m applying to your organization. But maybe you’ll find out a little about my character along the way.

So here’s the meat:

I have a rent to pay and a future I’m desperately trying to work on. Like a lot of people, I’m incredibly strapped for cash.

(If you’re considering me as a waitress and think I might be overqualified, I promise you that the reason I applied is because a) I really do love interacting with people, and b) I need the tip money, and I’m fairly confident my comfort with people will lend to good tips. Never mind that I’ve never been a waitress before; I am a quick learner and, oddly, feel like a good fit for the gig.)

I have bills and student loans to pay, and therefore need to start being not unemployed very soon. That alone doesn’t make me special, but what does is that a great part of my motivation to get a job is that I want to improve on my future opportunities. I need money to continue my education, but I (ironically) cannot get hired anywhere if I tell them about my desire to continue my education.

My long term career goals involve politics and poverty. Eventually, I see myself working to improve the lives of others in a quantifiable way. I have plans of grad school in the immediate future, though I have not been accepted to (nor have I applied) anywhere yet. I’m going to put all of my eggs in the grad school basket, and for some reason employers do not want to hire anyone who is even considering going to grad school, even if they are otherwise highly qualified for the position. I’m really tired with people telling me “thanks, but no thanks…you’re just too motivated for us.”

Here’s something you should know: three days ago I took the GRE and scored in the seventieth percentile for both English and math. I’m no genius, and Harvard probably won’t want me (never mind that I sent them my scores anyway), but I think the seventieth percentile is pretty decent. My plans for grad school, through some incredibly unfunny twist of fate, keep coming up in all of my interviews for jobs. It turns employers off. Folks have made it awfully clear that I will just have to have zero income until I decide to not go to grad school.

I understand you are looking for someone who can give you a juicy commitment. I’m hoping that, by telling you the entirety of my goals, I will be able to score some honesty points with you while simultaneously impressing you with my competency by bragging about my GRE scores. Is it working?

I’m sorry that I can’t promise a five year minimum with you. I really am. I know how annoying the hiring process can be. And I realize that this post could be interpreted as desperate and begging, but I don’t want it to be.

I just want you to know that judging my qualifications does not stop where my resume and cover letter do.

If you are still considering me after knowing that I want to go to grad school soon and therefore cannot promise a long term commitment with your organization, I applaud you. You are giving a young person with a four-year degree (who graduated early! That’s worth something too, right?) who is trying to get an even higher education a chance to make it for a little while without turning to the government for help.

And if you’re still considering me after reading this or any other of my outlandish blog posts, then I think we’re a match made in heaven.

Thank you for your time and for considering me for this position.

Sincerely,
Elizabeth Kurtz
unemployed

P.S. If you read my old posts you’ll find that posting about my job is not a regular thing.