A Letter to 40-Year-Old-Lizy

Dear 40-Year-Old Lizy,
I sincerely hope you haven’t gained much weight. If you have, as many do when they are your age, I want to tell you that it is completely normal and I am sure you at least still have your awesome flexibility. If you don’t have your flexibility, I am disappointed in you and you need to get yourself to a dance studio. Hopefully your acne has cleared up by now, so there’s that. If your acne still exists, it’s time to pull out all the stops and pay a doctor as much as needed to get that nonsense to clear up for good.

Right now you’re 21, and you’re me. I just broke up with Zach because I moved to Alabama, and before that I broke up with someone else because I moved to New York. If you are still stuck in that cycle of breaking up with people because you moved away from them, you need to stop it and get yourself a pet and just stay single for a while. You’re 40; using “I’m carefree” worked when you were young, but it’s not so cute anymore.

I would be sincerely surprised if you have kids, but if you do I hope you named them Lucille for a girl and Mikhail for a boy. If you do have a boy, I hope you reminded Ben that Mikhail is not named after him.

Right now I’m sitting in the apartment in Montgomery. You remember it, I’m sure. It’s the big, empty, one-bedroom, remember? The one in which you spent your first week here sleeping on a borrowed air mattress. The one in which you sat in that second-hand arm chair with camels printed on it for hours writing letters, posting blogs, and calling up your friends.

Speaking of the blog, is it still running? If you decided to maintain it, I hope you’ve become a much better writer than I am today. Maybe you’re making money from it or maybe you’re inspiring others to do awesome shit, but I hope it’s gotten much better. If it’s still nothing but a hobby, consider picking up something else. I dunno, get into rock climbing or something.

Right now I need to finish my application to join the Peace Corps as well as finish drafting my backup plans if the Peace Corps falls through. Only you know if I finished my Peace Corps application and whether or not I was accepted into the program. Did I ever end up joining? Did I go to grad school after? Did I study International Relations, like I planned?

…wait, are you the President of the United States? That was one of my goals for myself to reach by the time I’m your age. Excuse me for not addressing you properly if you are el Presidente, but I didn’t know. Actually, I still don’t know. I suppose I won’t know for a few more decades.

I’m going to assume you’re not, because they don’t usually let pirates be presidents. I hope you still love pirates. Do you have any more tattoos? I don’t plan on getting anymore, but you never know.

What is James like? Right now it’s February, and he’s not due until April. Did Matthew and Nikki have any more kids after him? Is Ben a dad? Is Becca a mom? I can’t imagine those two reproducing, but I imagine that when they are ready they’ll make awesome parentals. Is “parentals” still a cool word to say? Is “cool” still a cool word to say? You’ll have to forgive me, it’s 2013.

I hope you’ve figured out what to do with your life by now. If not, it’s about damn time you figure it out. I hope that if you are making a lot of money that you are not ever living beyond your means. I hope that you are still John Locke’s number one fan. If you’re rich, I hope that you are helping pay for your nieces and nephews to go to college. Wait…do you even have nieces?

Riley is your only nephew right now. Is his last name Kurtz? Are you still best friends with him? Do you still lick his tongue? That’s gross if you still do, cause he’s like 23 if you’re 40. Wait, if Riley is 23…holy crap is he dating anyone? Is he married? Did he go to college?

I lied; I care if you’re fat. Please go out for a run later.

Have you convinced the world yet that gay people aren’t scary and that they should all be allowed to get married? If not, I hope you won’t stop trying to convince them of this until the day you die.

Are you still a liberal nut job? Cause I am, and I hope that I like Future Lizy.

If you are still moving all over the place, stop telling yourself you’re a pirate and go date someone steadily for a while. Even if you don’t like the person, just try it. If you are fat, go on a diet. I really would be disappointed if you’re fat. If you are not the president, you better have a good reason why. Ok there are lots of reasons to not be the president; I suppose you don’t need to come up with a reason.

I’m not sure that I have a whole lot of advice for you…cause I’m only 21 and I have no idea what kind of person you are or how happy you are. I hope you’re happy. If you aren’t happy, take your dog for a walk. If you don’t have a dog, borrow someone else’s dog.

I hope that you still see the supreme value of macaroni and cheese, bagels, lattes, and Shirley Temples. If your tastes have changed – I don’t suspect that they will, but they might – I hope that whatever you currently love is equal to the love you once had for the bagel/latte combination.

If you still like bagels and lattes, remember to treat yourself to them for no reason every once in a while.

Make sure you go for a run later if you are fat.

Bagels and lattes for all,
21-Year-Old Lizy