What I Chose to Spend My Drug Money On

Hey college students, stop squandering your money on drugs and give it to me instead.

We are all on someone else’s dollar to be here. Either parents or the government or wealthy relatives are helping us with a loan or a check or a grant or a scholarship. You lose 200 respect points from me if you spend lots of dollars on drugs and you don’t have a job and you complain a whole bunch about having no money ever.

Like…what the hell? Stop buying drugs for a whole two weeks and check out the size of your wallet. Then pay me 50% of that as payment for my superb economic advice.

Oh and hey please don’t eat the food in my kitchen if you’re just looking to munch while you’re high out of your mind. I’m not a food bank; I’m stocked with food all the time because unlike most of you, I don’t have a massive on-campus meal plan that someone else is paying for and I have to do that old fashioned thing that our parents used to do for us once a week commonly known as grocery shopping.

To most of my roommates: I still love you a whole bunch. I just think the amount of money that most of you spend on intoxicants is embarassingly stupid.

To the student who only sometimes spends bucks on drugs: it’s ok I take Nyquil sometime just to fall asleep and I think we’re probably pretty similar. Just don’t spend too much dinero every week and I’ll still respect you.

Still hoping for free drugs and $20 hugs for all,
Elizabeth