Facebook Relationship Status

We each have a relationship with everyone we know. It’s true. Even you and I have a relationship. Fantasizing about being my romantic partner? It’s ok, I understand. Everyone does.

Enough of that. You and I aren’t dating. Get your mind out of the gutter.

Did you know I have a relationship with my mom? Weird. What’s the relationship? She’s my mom. I’m her daughter. Boom, there’s the relationship.

So since when does “I’m in a relationship with someone” get limited to “I’m engaging in adult activities with only this person?” Unless you’re a cheater. In which case, you’re engaging in adult activities with multiple people, but telling one or all of them that there’s only one.

The language seems a little off. Duh, you’re in a relationship with that person. You have a relationship with everyone. Why stress those words?

While we’re here, it’s strange to me that people are quick to be like “so is he your boyfriend? Or are you just casually dating? Or what?”

Wait, what? At what point does the -friend suffix get attached? So you’re moving along, “casually dating” someone, and you two start to get close, and then we all know that whether the two of you acknowledge it or not, there definitely is a point where it is not ok to be seeing other people, even if your buddy isn’t your boyfriend or girlfriend yet.

It’s true. So why the pressure to change the Facebook status? I’ve never understood that.

When Zach and I dated, he really wanted that Facebook status changed. It was important to him. It was meaningless to me. I have the conversation still, and in retrospect I probably should have asked: Why? For what purpose does it serve to announce to the universe that you have a monogamous sexy time friend? Unless you’re engaged, married, or in one of those ultra big deal super long term serious relationships (living together, joint bank accounts, your cats are your children, etc), what is the point of changing your relationship status?

Is it to build trust in your partner? “See babe, I’m changing my relationship status so the world knows I am spoken for.”

That’s stupid. If you really need to change your relationship status to ward off the evil temptresses that will come knocking down your door if they don’t know you have a partner, then your private parts really are easily distracted.

Is this making sense?

Stressing a title is stupid pretty much most of the time. Well, at least when you’re my age. I would find it weird if my mom and dad had their relationship statuses hidden. When someone becomes your life partner, the dynamic is totally different. They become your other half. They become part of your identity. The girlfriend you had in college who was great for you at the time? Not part of your identity. And if they are, I’d recommend a therapist.

What is this, high school? Will you be my girlfriend? was such a big question when I was 15. (And, for the record, I was elated when Devin asked me that. Hi Devin!) Now, if someone asked me that, I’d be like hun, we’ve been seeing each other for two months now, and it was my understanding that it was getting serious, and I stopped being interested in others forever ago. Thanks for the question, but you’ve BEEN my partner.

Stressing the relationship status change turns Facebook into a dating website. Guys, my relationship status is hidden. Because I don’t want y’all to know if I’m seeing someone. Because it doesn’t matter. When Zach and I broke up, and my status switched to “single as a Pringle,” it wasn’t 45 minutes before someone had texted me about it and began hitting on me. I swear to Jesus, he sent me a picture of himself in his boxers. I ended up showing the text to Zach, and we made fun of the guy.

And before I end this rant, why the hell does the “in a relationship and it’s complicated” option even exist?

-Elizabeth Kurtz. Taken, sorta, by someone in Montgomery, and still in a “complicated relationship” with my ex, who is also taken by someone.

P.S. I’m not saying that communication with your partner is stupid and you should just assume that they aren’t seeing others. By all means, communication is my favorite.