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Boyfriend Application (heck, I want the ladies applying, too)

February 8, 2013

Ok, so it’s a slightly sarcastic application.

That being said, I want you all to apply. Ladies, friends, family, and people who think they’re too old for me should all send one in.

Oh yeah, and available men between the ages of older than me and not too much older than me.

You may include a photo of your gorgeous self.
You may elaborate on your answers as much as you like.

Full name?



Education? Include all colleges, areas studied, and future goals for education.

Can you hold a conversation about politics? Do you like to talk about politics?
YES (go to next question) NO (toss application in trash)

Can you dance? Do you like to dance?
YES (go to next question) NO (toss application in trash)

Can you dance while talking about politics? Can you politicize while dancing?

Tell me what special talents you have. Anything goes. There will be a separate question later for musical instruments.

What musical instruments do you play? (told ya there’d be a question for that)

Where do you see yourself in ten years?

I can’t sing.
that’s fine (go to next question) I’ll teach you (toss application in trash)

I love to sing really loud.
lol (go to next question) let me at least teach you what a key is (toss application in trash)

What were you for Halloween last year?

I move a lot.
can I come with you? (go to next question) I’m sure it’ll be fun while it lasts (toss application in trash)

When you were a kid, what did you want to be? Are you that now? Are you working towards your childhood dream?

Tell me about the first time you fell in love.

Where is our first date going to be?

Have we already met? If not, I think you’re creepy but interesting and you have 200 characters to explain yourself.

Describe your tattoos, if any.

Describe your worst breakup.

Have you ever been arrested? If yes, explain.

We are living together. I ask you to pick up the place because my parents are coming over. You think the place isn’t that dirty and besides, you’ve had a rough day. How do you respond?

My brother is 25, is a sergeant in the army, is married, and has one son and one fetus. Impressive, I know. Are you interested in meeting him? What do you want to talk to him about?

Thank you very much for taking the time to apply. Below is a disclaimer about my personality for your convenience. You must be ok with all of it to consider being my romantic partner.

My name is Elizabeth Grace Kurtz. I go by Lizy. Some call me Liz, some call me Lizard, and one calls me Hot Lips (and I hope she is applying). You may call me Lizy unless I have already introduced myself as something else to you.

I am 21.

I have a Bachelor’s. My major was Politics and I have an unfinished minor in Dance.

I moved out when I was 19. If you are 25 and have yet to move out of your parents’ house, even once, I am going to judge you and we will probably not even last halfway through the first date. We can still be friends, I just need someone with whom I can talk about grown up responsibilities.

I sing Frank Sinatra, 3OH!3, and Taylor Swift very, very loud. I’m currently listening to Norah Jones.

I grew up in Southern California, went to school in upstate New York, and currently live in central Alabama.

I have a tattoo of a compass on the inside of my right wrist. It means that although I am not in control of the opportunities that are presented to me, I get to choose what I do with those opportunities. It means I control the outcome of my life. Given my tendency to spend any amount of decent savings on travelling expenses, I thought a compass was appropriate.

I care very, very greatly about the people I have been in relationships with in the past. I will call them, write them letters, and if we are in the same part of the country I will go out for the night with them. I will never cheat on you with them or anybody, but you must respect my friendship with my ex’s.